I don’t’ know about you, but from my experience and most mums I come across, there are few things more painful to a parent than seeing your beautiful daughter struggle to fit in with other girls. You can feel helpless as are watching from the sidelines while other girls are smiling, laughing, and talking together.

The scary thing is that when your daughter feels so deliberately left out, she may begin to feel invisible, unvalued, and unworthy. Unworthiness is something we take into our adult life and it can affect our marriage, relationships and more. If you feel you may be having some of these issues in your own mindset, get in touch with me.

It's something I have become very good at pinpointing out to mums, who don't even realise how it may be affecting them in raising a confident daughter.

So how can you help your daughter if she feels like she doesn’t fit in, or feels pressure to be like other girls in order to be accepted?

Here are some tips that can help you as mum to help her:

Show her how the opinions and actions of her peers do not define her, unless she agrees with them. We discuss this in our online workshop. It’s one of the ways girls give away their power.

We have to teach them never take anything personally. What this means in the context of the mean girls mentality, is that just because someone may have said or done something that your daughter could perceive as a mean act against her, it can’t affect her unless she decides to agree with what was said or done. This is holding onto self power.

Ask her: “Is what they did or said to you the truth about you?

It’s most likely her answer will be “no”. It may be how the other person feels about her, their opinion, but she does not need to agree with it. It is not the truth about her. The truth is that no one knows your daughter better than she knows herself. It’s their opinion that’s it. Making her realise this takes a bit of self esteem building however.

When she realises that the words or actions are really a result of the internal pain or insecurity that the other girl may be feeling, and in no way the truth about her, it is easier for her not to take it personally, not to agree with the word or actions.

The more she can develop the habit of knowing for herself what the truth is about her, and not buying into what someone says or does to her, she will be developing her own sense of self and inner strength. Her girl power.

From this place of inner strength, she is less likely to be ignored or attract negative attention, and is more likely to attract supportive and loving friendships.

Now this is something that I have to make you realise also.

When I ask mums during a coaching session what the issues going on with your daughter might be mirroring for you?

I am often greeted with “what do you mean”?

I’d like you to notice next time your daughter has come home upset or something is going on for her.

Ask yourself what this situation may be mirroring for you? In other words triggering a past hurt you may have experienced.

Often, the challenges our children experience are mirroring something within us that may need some attention. It could be something you’ve long put in the past, or something you are dealing with in the present. You need to deal with it, if you are going to be able to show her, how she is to build resilience.

If your daughter is struggling with peers, and feeling invisible, unvalued, and unworthy in your life, ask yourself where you have felt invisible, unvalued, and unworthy in your life?

When you can uncover the deeper issue within yourself and do some of your own personal work around the issue, it will most often translate into the beginning of a positive change for your daughter and you.

Help her focus on what is going right, despite the challenges.

When we can shift our mindset and become more aware and start to recognise what is really happening, it allows your daughter to develop a growth mindset instead of being a closed book.

It is so easy to stay focused on the problem when it is in our face everyday. However, staying focused on the problem is the surest way to guarantee it will continue, or even grow worse. Remember the saying, “what we focus on grows.”

Instead, get your daughter to shift her thoughts to the things that are going right for her, right now, despite this challenge. You may need to get her started by offering a few ideas, like “you enjoy singing and being a part of the choir”, or “you really like your teacher”, but once you get her going, she will start to acknowledge more of the good in her life.

Remind her of what she is achieving no matter how small a progress.

Not only will you shift her mood almost instantly with this strategy, but you will be teaching her a powerful skill she can use now and for years to come. And confidence grows when we have tools we can use at will to help ourselves feel better.

If you want your daughter to learn more creative methods, strategies, and tips to help her cultivate the confidence, self-acceptance, and the inner strength she needs to deal effectively with her peers and overcome being a victim of the Friends & Frenemies mentality, then you might like to enroll her into our online workshop commencing in Oct.

Girls can join me in a 4 part training online workshop where she can participate in this group from the comfort of your own home.

Girls in their tweens and teens go through an insecure stage because there a lot of changes going on for them.

They compare themselves to their peers and that creates a lot of tension and stress within girls.

They are more competitive from a much younger age than they used to be. This is not a bad thing as this teaches them to be more assertive and aggressive and ambitious, but it can sometimes make them overstep the boundaries and it can look like disrespect.

Being too competitive can sometimes interfere with their relationships and can create more drama for them also.

Girls today are growing up in an aggressive and disrespectful culture. Just look at the media which always portrays politicians, people in sport, people in the street as aggressive and disrespectful and this is being absorbed by our girls daily.

All kids tend to reflect the adults around them and this is what we tend to see a lot of in our culture. Boys acting out older men and girls acting out way beyond their years.

Girls need time to decompress so that they are learning to deal with real life instead of letting this confusion build up. B U Girl creates opportunities for this to happen.

I don’t feel schools are giving the girls tools and time to help them handle their conflicts and create a safe nurturing community. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time, teachers already have a difficult time teaching the curriculum let alone any self development.

In our B U girl program we give girls time to address their social and emotional learning.

They are given the space to share from their hearts and let them express how they are feeling and we help them find ways to resolve the conflicts peacefully as well as help them set intentions for themselves.

I also find some girls having to deal with so much at home e.g. In-house fighting, abuse, parental divorce is very challenging for them and these frustrations can leak out into relationship aggression.

They become overwhelmed with emotions that look like anger and sometimes anxiety.

It all plays out into their problems with their friends. They fear the loss of friends and not being accepted, so they put up with abuse and often give their power away to other more confident girls.

At B U Girl we provide a safe space so they can learn from each other and speak from their hearts in a nurturing safe environment.

It’s not just “girl drama”. It so isn’t. Our girls need us to listen to them and offer ways to help them develop their resilience.

We help them learn how to speak up for themselves and decide what it is they want from their friendships without being a bossy bitch.

Speaking up for yourself is not being mean if handled the right way. Trouble is they are learning from what they observe and it’s not always helping them when it comes to choosing good friends, let alone be a good friend.

Our online private mentoring groups are commencing in October.

Your daughter will be able to sign up for the 4 weekly workshop. This will be live, not a purchase and hope your daughter completes it type of course.

I have found girls respond better when they are held accountable to a commitment and are able to come back week after week with new problems up for discussion which helps them learn and retain what they learn as they can put it into practice.

In this online workshop the girls will dive into Friends & Frenemies and learn

How to be a good friendWhat a true friend looks likeHow they are giving away their power to others and more importantly how to get it backWhat a mean girl, frenemy or bully looks likeHow they become who they spend most of their time with.They will receive PDF worksheets and more to support them along the way.

Our mini workshops have been very popular with mums always wanting more. This is it!

Real live mentoring for your daughter over 4 weeks from the privacy of her home.

All she needs is a laptop or IPAD to login and join the live workshop.

For more info as to when we release and how you can sign your daughter up

Follow thislink.

Our workshops will remain small with only 8 -10 girls per workshop.

Take care of you,

Carole B oxo

If you would like to attend our next retreat you can sign up here, tickets are released and we have just a few rooms left.

Carole is a Mind Detox Therapist, Life Coach, Mentor and Meditation Teacher at bugirl.com.au

She is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out. Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds. Follow B U Girl at Facebook

I'm continuously struggling with my own guilt when it comes to parenting let alone how I can share my message out to other mums so that they don't make some of the same mistakes I made, my friends made and a lot of the mums I get to speak with in my work. We worry too much.

It easy when you your kids are all grown up to look back and reflect at their childhood and ask yourself did I do enough, was I present enough. Turns out they say yes, thank goodness. I'll admit I was very busy as a young mum as many of you might be. I had a business at the time that prevented me from attending many sports days, school excursions, and a lot of the extra stuff our kids were involved with. Thankfully I was able to share all these commitments with their dad when I couldn't go.

Yes, he was the guy at 8am on a Saturday morning at the netball courts with little miss and one brother in pram and another walking along side. All the mums would tell him I was very lucky and he always made sure to let me know. We all know what 8.00am in winter feels like, right? But he did it because we wanted to let our kids experience different things in life, you know that stuff you never got the chance to do for whatever reason. Well it turned out a couple of weeks into the season, little miss didn't like netball. Nup! wasn't a fan. But as you do when you are trying to instil what loyalty and commitment to a team is to your kids, we told her she had to see the season out. After all she did ask to play.

Guess what she & her brothers remember fondly about those mornings and to this day , will tell their dad how much fun it was going to netball even though at the time, poor dad was exhausted by the time it was all over. Think, pram, snacks, drinks, jackets, carpark, etc, etc.

What a guy! Seriously !

The best part of netball was the drive there where he would take them down a road with a big dip in it. As they drove down the dip at a certain (safe speed) it left their stomachs up the top. That feeling you get when you are on a ride at an amusement park.

If only we had known, we could have saved him all that hassle and he would have much preferred to just take them out for a weekly 'dip drive' and grab Macas on the way, right?

Anyway my point is, if we don’t ask our kids at every stage of their childhood, “what’s your favourite memory?” and really listen. If you don’t, then how will you create them?

A good time to ask the question, “what was the best memory of this year, is at the Christmas gathering. Then you do more of that next year.

It has become a bit of a tradition in our family and I highly recommend you give a try.

So it was no surprise to me really, at our recent Mother & Daughter Retreat ,when our team asked the girls , “what’s your favourite memory with mum so far ?”

The answers were short and sweet but very humbling. You can listen to Alana on our facebook page, who shared her own special mum memory.

Ask your own daughters and (sons of course), and if you want a hint as to what you can do that won’t cost you money, just a little of your time check these out.

The Top Ten Things Kids Really Want Their Parents To Do With Them ( by Erin Kurt )

Give me hugs and kisses and sit and talk with me privately.Spend quality time just with me, not with my brothers and sisters around.Give me nutritious food so I can grow up healthy.At dinner, talk about what we could do together on the weekend.At night, talk to me about about anything; love, school, family, etc.Let me play outside a lot.Cuddle under a blanket and watch our favourite TV show together.Discipline me. It makes me feel like you care.Leave special messages in my desk or lunch bag.Come into my bedroom at night, tuck me in and sing me a song. Also tell me stories about when you were little.

Isn’t it simple?

Create more time for your presence not your presents.

Take care of you,

Carole B oxo

If you would like to attend our next retreat to create some memories, you can sign up here and be notified as soon as tickets are released.

Carole is a Mind Detox Therapist, Life Coach, Mentor and Meditation Teacher at bugirl.com.au She is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out.Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds. Follow B U Girl at Facebook

The title words "Let her be" are from Rachel Stafford, my inspiration I received this week from my personal development that I now make a constant in my life.

Recently I had the pleasure of meeting a beautiful group of mums and daughters at our Mother & Daughter Retreat. It had been a dream of mine for quite some time. After listening to those around me, and my inner guide, it all came together. We all came together.

Were we perfect as Mothers & Daughters? NO, but we were enough.

Was the RETREAT perfect? NO, but it was great.

Was there bonding and connection between the mothers and their daughters? Absolutely!

and my promise is that there will be even more at our next one.

I spent some time reflecting as I always do after such an event, to allow myself the time to ask myself the questions that will give me the answers I need to know, to make it even better next time.

Over the years, I have learnt that I can easily let my "mean girl" come up and start her normal rants that usually commence with 'you should have' I found myself spiralling quickly into the depths of my inner mean girl asking me, was I enough? Was I good enough? Did everyone receive enough?

Then I decided to take a deep breath and "let her be".

You see she will never leave me and neither will yours. It's up to us to shut her the f@#$ up.

As mums we are our biggest critic, we don't need anyone else to criticise us, we do a much better job at it than anyone else can anyway.

So after telling her "thanks but you are wrong" I decided to thank myself for giving it a go.

You know what, it wasn't perfect, but it was bloody fantastic, because the mums don't lie. They either tell you the truth or don't say anything at all.

This is what I tell the girls in our Friends & Frenemies workshops too. ( real friends lift you up)

The ones who care enough will support you and help you make it better because they want other mums just like them to experience what they shared with their daughters. Its a village, whereby we all want to bring up our daughters in a loving, supportive, strengthening environment.

We all experienced a weekend of fun at our Pink Party & Spa & Pj movie night, love filled moments of connection in or Meditation and Yoga sessions, fresh air in our early morning walks, self discovery in the workshops, both for mums and daughters.

Mums took that step and "let her be". They allowed themselves to be present and unplugged to connect with their daughters whilst daughters were able to have mum all to themselves.

"Let her be" means so much to me as a Life Coach. It means to

Stop that inner critic that is always there inside of us so that we can-

Let things go, so that we can grasp what really matters.

Not passing on my issues to my daughter.

Let our daughters know she is enough, she is just right.

Being in the moment, in those moments.

Not always judging and trying to fix ourselves and others.

Being and not doing.

Acceptance.

When we "let her be" we open up and the things we need to see and feel become apparent. We can't miss them really.

Whenever I hear my inner mean girl, I will reply "let her be" because it instantly puts me at ease , helps me breathe and extends my love to those around me.

It all starts with being kind to ourselves about our issues and insecurities. One weekend will not make our insecurities disappear overnight, but I believe the awareness and compassion we all experienced over our time together has been empowering and life altering for some.

In fact I know because you told me.

One thing that I think all mums took away from the retreat is that they are enough even when they aren't feeling it. When we learn to sit quietly with our "mean girl' who is forever inside of us, we can take a step back, ask ourselves what we need in that moment to allow ourselves to be love, to respond with love, and just "let HER be"

Take care of you,

Carole B oxo

If you would like to attend our next retreat you cansign up here and be notified as soon as tickets are released.

Carole is a Mind Detox Therapist, Life Coach, Mentor and Meditation Teacher at bugirl.com.au She is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out.Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds. Follow B U Girl at Facebook

Self empowerment is something that has become a necessity in this day and age. It's also not just for budding entrepreneurial people. Life skills and emotional development is something that as a Life Coach & Mentor, I see is missing in all walks of life. From the most qualified adults to the highly academic teen or uni/college student. If you don't have a healthy self esteem, confidence and the trust in yourself that you are enough and GOOD enough, it all means absolutely nothing. Unfortunately too many people leave their self esteem and emotional development up to someone else to take care of. We think that if someone tells us how clever or good at something we are, or pretty or how kind we are, then we are good to go because they said so. WRONG! Eg.No matter how many times you tell your daughter "great job, well done" She's going to struggle believing you, if she is comparing herself to everyone and everything else that is making her believe this is not so. Of course it does start with mum or dad, family, teachers, friends, society etc, but the only person who will really let her believe it, is herself. She has to feel it. She has to find what she actually likes about herself and more importantly, respects herself.

How ?

By starting at the beginning small steps at a time.

Starting in her tweens is when she is most open to discovering about her spark. But its never too late. It's just that bit harder when we have already absorbed negativity into our mindset.

Helping her to discover that she is in competition with no one, except herself. She is unique. Yes, she will find out soon enough in high school that there is plenty of competition around her if she wants to go down that road. But the beauty of having a healthy self esteem and confidence in herself will only help catapult her above the followers and may even have her leading the way.

In our B U Girl Mini Workshops on Saturdays we help her Silence her mean girl. You know that voice inside her head that says she can't do something, she isn't good enough, she's too fat, too thin etc.

The more we pay attention to her (our mean girl),the more attention she gets and the more she grows.

We all have her, but we need to listen and recognise when she comes to visit. It's usually when we are bored with life or when someone has said something hurtful to us.

Finally don't leave her idle for long periods of time to get bored throughout the weekend and too much alone time on social media. She'll undoubtably end up hanging out with the wrong crowds, texting and the likes. It happens all the time when opportunities to explore other things aren't there for them. This doesn't mean she has to be doing something all the time. Far from it. She needs downtime to do nothing and sometimes catch up.

It just means, creating possibilities that will keep her involved with life instead of becoming too familiar with a screen. If you would like to send her along to our Empowerment Mini workshops we have a few spots left for the 6th May at Castle Hill.

We look forward to meeting you,

CaroleB oxo

at She is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out.

Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds.

Follow BU Girl at

Recently a mum was trying to get her two young daughters to their dance class. A work phone call delayed her attempts to leave the house, and when (Jess) was finally ready to go, she realised that her girls still didn’t have their dance clothes on. She began to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and in the car ride on the way to the class, she shouted at her daughters for not being ready on time. “Suddenly I was like, ‘What am I doing?'” she recalls, filled with anxiety. “‘This isn’t their fault. This is me.’ ”

(Jess) has dealt with anxiety on and off for a long time, but it has become more acute since the birth of her second daughter, when she began to experience postpartum depression. She knows that her anxiety occasionally causes her to lash out at her daughters when she doesn’t really mean to, and she can see that it affects them. “I see it in their kids’ face,” (Jess) says. “Not that they’re scared, but just the negativity: OMG, I’m suppose to be their rock. They don’t want me to be upset and mad.”

Taking cues from you

Witnessing a parent in a state of anxiety can be more than just momentarily unsettling for children. Kids look to their parents for information about how to interpret ambiguous situations; if a parent seems consistently anxious and fearful, the child will determine that a variety of scenarios are unsafe. And there is evidence that children of anxious parents are more likely to exhibit anxiety themselves, a probable combination of genetic risk factors and learned behaviours. This is why I often say to parents they are watching you all the time. It can also be painful to think that, despite your best intentions, you may find yourself transmitting your own stress to your child. But if you are dealing with anxiety and start to notice your child exhibiting anxious behaviours, the first important thing is not to get bogged down by guilt. There’s no need to punish yourself. It feels really bad to have anxiety, and it’s not easy to turn off.

The transmission of anxiety from parent to child is not inevitable. The second important thing to do is implement strategies to help ensure that you do not pass your anxiety onto your kids. That means managing your own stress as effectively as possible, and helping your kids manage theirs.

Learn some stress management techniques

It can be very difficult to communicate a sense of calm to your child when you are struggling to cope with your own anxiety. One of the methods, I love to suggest is mindfulness meditation. Some of my mums actually have set a space at home specifically for Meditation. So eg: candles, flowers, essential oils and bean bags or yoga mats. Whenever mum and the kids feel like they need to ground and get out of their stress, they meditate together. This is a perfect way to help your kids from a young age to manage their own anxiety also. B U Girls love our meditations in our workshops also. As you learn to tolerate stress, you will in turn be teaching your child—who takes cues from your behaviour—how to cope with situations of uncertainty or doubt.

A big part of treatment for children with anxiety, is actually teaching parents stress tolerance also. It’s a simultaneous process—it’s both managing the parent’s anxiety, and teaching the kids it’s OK and we can do this together. It also supports the child’s development of stress tolerance.

Model stress tolerance

What you say at times of stress is really important too. If, for example, you are working on thinking rationally during times of stress, you can practice those same skills with your child. Say to her: “I understand that you are scared, but what are the chances something scary is actually going to happen?”

Try to maintain a calm, neutral demeanour in front of your kids, even as you are working on managing your anxiety. Easier said than done, but with mindfulness practice, you become aware of your inner critic. The words you choose, and the intensity of the emotions you express, are being absorbed by your children. They’re little sponges and they pick up on everything.

Talk about it

While you don’t want your child to witness every anxious moment you experience, you do not have to constantly suppress your emotions. It’s okay—and even healthy—for children to see their parents cope with stress every now and then, but you want to explain why you reacted in the way that you did.

Let’s say, for example, you lost your temper because you were worried about getting your child to school on time. Later, when things are calm, say to her: “Do you remember when I got really frustrated in the morning? I was feeling anxious because you were late for school, and the way I managed my anxiety was by yelling. But there are other ways you can manage it too. Maybe we can come up with a better way of leaving the house each morning.”

Talking about anxiety in this way gives children permission to feel stress, and sends the message that stress is manageable. If we feel like we have to constantly protect our children from seeing us sad, or angry, or anxious, we’re subtly giving our children the message that they don’t have permission to feel those feelings, or express them, or manage them.

Make a plan and a list

Come up with strategies in advance for managing specific situations that trigger your stress.

This week in JAM sessionswe have been talking about lists. Make a list of your plan for your peak stress times. Eg. Getting ready for school, after school leading up to dinner and after. You may even involve your children in the plan.

If, for example, you find yourself feeling anxious about getting your kids ready for bed by a reasonable hour, talk to them. Family meetings are ideal for these chats. If you are family who are prone to anxiety, be careful not to have too many lists. Start with the one that will have the most impact for all of you. You don’t want to put too much responsibility on your children to manage your anxiety if it permeates many aspects of your life. But seeing you implement a plan to deal with peak anxious moments lets them know that stress can be tolerated and managed.

Know when to walk away

In general, if you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with anxiety in the presence of your children, try to take a break. A night away will do wonders for your soul. I have been known to check myself into a one night accomodation and spent the evening in a bath with bubbles - both kinds :) Also a list of quick go to's that you know make you feel instantly better are handy to keep in your phone daily reminders. I have a list of to-do- tips for dealing with a panic or stress session. Here’s mine – meditate, take a walk, drink tea, take an Epsom salt bath, or just get out the door into the air with my puppy. For me, it’s about trusting in the fact that the anxiety will pass and just getting through the feelings that are presenting themselves until it passes.

Find your support system

Trying to parent while struggling with your own stress can be a challenge, but you don’t have to do it alone. Rely on the people in your life who will step in when you feel overwhelmed, or even just offer words of support. Those people can be therapists, coaches counsellors, partners and girlfriends who get you. Our B U Girl JAM group is also a support for mums.

I also coach mums who feel they want support but don’t need or want to go for ongoing Psychotherapy sessions. As a qualified Mind Detox Therapist I have been able to support mums come to new learnings as to why they are feeling stressed and anxious.

If you’re ready to try a different approach, I’d be happy to offer you a (for you, your daughter or both of you) to help you release your grip of how you think things are “supposed to be” and begin to accept things just the way they are so that you can discover a newfound peace to create what you really want....

Carole is a Mind Detox Therapist, Life Coach, Mentor and Meditation Teacher at bugirl.com.auShe is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out.

Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds.

This week I had the pleasure of attending a seminar on Bullying. This foundation has been facilitating workshops in schools and the community for the last 17 years. The presenter, Brett Murray was very knowledgeable when it came to really highlighting what Bullying is and is not. It also got me thinking.

Definition of Bullying is Longtime ongoing violence & threats and threats of violence or antagonisation.

It's a word that we hear all too often these days and a word that has most definitely been ingrained into our subconscious and conscious minds. So for example, the moment we hear our child or anyone for that matter release some verbal vomit on less resilient peeps, we are conditioned to say that's bullying.

Here are some facts you might want to consider when deciding whether or not your child is victim to being bullied.

Australia is

#3 in the world for school bullying

#3 for teen suicide with 450 young people taking their own life each year and a further 4000 young people per year attempting suicide.

Bullies have low self worth.

Kids without a self identity & self worth can have a low self esteem. They have to fight harder.

Kids are growing up with less positive role models in their life.

A kids past has a huge impact on their future.

Bullies inflict pain on others to make themselves feel better

Average teenager spends 54hrs a week on video games- mostly violent ones

Dads especially spend 1hr a week, not day, a week with their kids in quality time.

Most bullying starts in year 4. I can agree to that most definetly

Over 60% of bullying these days is on social media. Particularly for our teen girls.

Computers and phones Ipads etc should NEVER be left unmonitored in your childs room. This is the same as inviting bullies into your childs room. You just wouldn't. So don't let them in uninvited.

Of kids that are bullied-

49% will go onto bully themselves (hurt people, hurt people I say)

38% tell parents

36% tell peers

3/10 will tell no one, because of shame and guilt. Usually their under developed brain will tell them not to tell their parents. Or when they do, a parent can over react and get angry. This then scares them even more because they don't wan't to upset the parent. Watch your words and response.

There's a feeling in the general community that teachers don't do enough. I'm not sure there is a lot a teacher alone can do. It takes a village as far as I'm concerned.

In 80% of all suicide cases, BULLYING was the #1 contributing factor .

Yes, the usual was to blame, such as social media, and GAMES without doubt. But, Domestic abuse is #1 cause or reason and where bullying is first learn't.

This is something that I myself had come to realise over the years in my coaching practice. Bullies aren't born bullies. Our children from a very young age watch and learn everything we say and do. This is why one of my most favourite quotes at B U Girl is "Be the change you want to see in the world"

With that said, our workshops particularly when it comes to Friends & Frenemies, teach the girls resilience and that they have to be the friend they want to have. Having said that I also know for some kids unless they know any different, bullying may be all they know, as a result from their own environment. You see if a child is raised in a domestic violent, physical or abusive environment, this is their normal and so this is how they behave.

It's important to note that brains are Neuroplastic. Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.

So this means and I have seen it to be true that even though one might be birthed into a bullying environment, at some point our brain can distinguish between right and wrong and so one can change their thinking, habits, learning and behaviour regardless.

If we really think about the true definition of Bullying, I hate to say it, but it's true, like it or not. Many parents including me would fall into this category of having bullied my own children.

The times I repeatedly went on about things in anger, frustration and exhaustion. Just like bullies weren't born bullies, parents weren't born parents.

In a lot of my decisions and reactions, I now see, that those times that I may have bullied, I was coming from a place of fear. Fear that someone was doing wrong to my kids and I wanted them to "toughen up" or fear that I wasn't succeeding at this parenting thing. Fear that my kids would not be as well liked or accepted as the "popular cool kids". Fear, fear and more fear. This turned into frustration which became anger. And then the guilt after the verbal vomit of how they should have said this or done that. Do you get the picture?? Come on sure you do.

Then, after years of hard work on my conscious and subconscious mind, and taking a good long look at myself, my beliefs and where they came from (my early childhood traumas) and deciding and making a conscious effort to change the way I viewed the world, I slowly, piece by piece was able to put my fear from the past and all that insecurity of not feeling worthy and really low self esteem that I was really good at hiding from everyone, even those closest to me, I made the decision to come from a place of love instead of fear.

How? Well first I started studying again and did what ever made me feel love instead of fear. I did more of what I was really good at. Coaching! Yes I'm a bloody great coach and mentor. It took me a while to learn to say that about myself. Fear kept holding me back. I'm not for everyone or should I say, not everyone is for me to coach. I now choose. Just like I say to girls, choose your friends, don't let them choose you. You deserve to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are authentically and unconditionally. #choosereal.

Now, when faced with bullies or my B U Girls are, or my own big kids, I encourage them to come from a place of love instead of fear. What does that look like? Well for the girls, I encourage them that when they feel they are being bullied to understand and remind themselves firstly that this Bully must have a pretty crappy life. That it's most likely not their fault that bullies have so much hate and anger and that's its all about the bully. Not them. Unless of course they themselves are not being kind and nice and excluding others. Feeling sorry for the bully actually helps us be more compassionate towards them. Walk away. They are not your problem to fix.

If someone calls you something or is just nasty, walk away and don't give them your attention. Why do you want to surround yourself with frenemies like that? The answer is always NO I don't.

As for parents, I encourage them when they feel they have so much anger and hurt inside of them that it affects their every response, every action, just everything. Find where that's coming from and sort it out. Deal with it, talk to someone, talk to me. Remember, I said our brain is Neuroplastic and we can change your ingrained beliefs you are holding onto from your childhood. We can release the stories you have been told like, you aren't good enough, clever enough. All of it.

Not long ago I had a mother ask me if she was going to get feedback or an assessment about her daughter after a B U Girl workshop. I explained that feedback came after private consultation and coaching. She became, well, lets say shitty at my reply. I picked up on her body language within seconds and kindly suggested she takes time to sit and talk with her daughter and ask her what she got out of the workshop and that would be her best way to judge what's going on for her daughter. To sit and read through her daughters notes with her.

"Oh forget it" she said, "she has a memory like a sieve". She was serious and her demeanor was real. Her daughter was right there next to us. The look on that girls face said it all. I smiled at her gently and I believe she knew I or should I say "we" in that group believed in her.

The mother left in a huff and not even an hour later, she had unsubscribed from our mailing list. My gut instinct told me that all the stuff that had come up for that little girl in our workshop eg. not being good enough and more was coming from more than school.

At one stage in the workshop the girls are to write something good they discovered in each other and then that person gets to read it aloud. This particular little one was in tears after comments such as, your are kind, you are clever, you are really nice girl.

I asked her how she felt, as I do with all of them, after hearing such positive vibes. Again the body language I noticed, in her this time, was my cue to ask her what was going on for her.

She replied to that group. "No one has ever said those things about me before." I said "come on, really no one"? She nodded no. I believed her.

Her mother had said prior to workshop, that this girl had friendships issues, didn't have many friends. Girls were horrible to her. Well I can only imagine the example that is being set at home.

Children are a product of their environment.

This is what I mean, when I say as mums, for us to stand up and face the challenge. For us to come from a place of love and not fear, we need to deal with our own shit first. This little girl is going to have many moments that will shape her thinking, her blueprint. These are the messages that will shape her behaviour now and into her future.

Our new quote- #beingcruelisnotcool.

What Bullying is not

Name calling One off nastinessA statement of dislike toward or about someoneA single act of telling a joke about someoneArguments or heated disagreements between two or more people/groups (the pattern of which is not repeated to gain power)Expressions of unpleasant thoughts or feelings regarding othersAccidentally bumping into someoneMaking others play things a certain way (natural behaviour—everyone likes things done their way)Any of the behaviours listed (pushing, shoving, tripping, hitting, etc.) which occurs ONCE (i.e., is not a repeated or pattern of behaviour

Michael Grose has just released his new book called Spoonfed Generation http://parentingideas.com.au/Parents/Shop/Michael-Grose-s-Books/Spoonfed-Generation

What is really great about about this book is that it teachers resilience is key. I agree. We need to teach our kids how to bounce back in the face of Bullying. Not run in most cases.

He is also doing a series of Parent evenings around Sydney that would be great to attend if you get the opportunity at your school.

oxo CaroleB.

If you’re ready to try a different approach, I’d be happy to offer you a FREE 30 minute Breakthrough Discovery Session(for you, your daughter or both of you) to help you release your grip of how you think things are “supposed to be” and begin to accept things just the way they are so that you can discover a newfound peace to create what you really want....

Carole is a Mind Detox Therapist, Life Coach, Mentor and Meditation Teacher at bugirl.com.au She is on a mission to redefine mothers, daughters and all women to love themselves by eliminating self-doubt and guiding them towards kindness, respect and acceptance in who they are, inside and out.

Through her BU Girl workshops, private coaching and mentoring, Mother & Daughter retreats, her commitment and passion lies in equipping and empowering women and girls in identifying self-limiting beliefs and emotional wounds.

Are you feelin it? No not the pressure. The excitement you need to show the rest of the family.

You see, mums get so stressed out by it all and we then involuntarily share that 'shittyness' with everyone else around us. Of course we get stressed. We have to worry about most of it. So what can you do differently?

1. Accept it! It is coming whether you want it to or not. So you may as well start enjoying the spirit of it. It's ONE DAY!

2. Decide what you want to do with and for your immediate family first. If it fits in everywhere else great, if not decide. Once and for all, just make a decision, accept it and don't carry it everyday between now and the 25th? It's ONE DAY

3. Don't get caught up in the drama of this season. Some people are just drama, drama, drama. You know the ones. If that is you, stop it now. You'll need less energy if you decide you are going to enjoy it instead of whinging about it everyday. Complaining is definitely more exhausting. It's ONE DAY

4. Money tight? So be it. There is so much available for under $20-$30. Don't get involved with those that insist on spending heaps and then bragging about it. Don't let the comparisons start to create stories in your mind. It's ONE DAY! The kids don't love you because of what you buy them.

5. Ask the family what they would like to do, it might not be the same as you. It's important to keep some sort of tradition within the (your)family but change it up. You might surprise yourself & them.

6.Don't fight about it with your other half. It's ONE DAY. Don't like the in-laws, relos? Find a way to tolerate it for ONE DAY. Wine helps :)

Lastly, Christmas does stir up those emotions we tend to bury deep down in our soul. The 'if onlys',

'I should have', 'if .......was here'.

Reality is, it is what it is and it will be what is on the day. Acceptance is something we must learn, if we are to become more considerate, loving, tolerant, caring and above all authentic.

Then mum, I'm afraid it all starts with you. You see, I know from meeting so many lovely mums from my

B U Girl workshops, we are the back bone of the family. If we can't deal with ONE DAY, then your family probably won't either because they will be looking at you to #choosereal and #shinebrightly by holding your head high and realising #youaremorethanenough.

Want to know more about CaroleB

I don’t even know if this is a word? Extracurricular is, and it means-

Something that is extracurricular is on the outside of your course or school or career. When you get involved in an extracurricular activity, you are going outside of what's expected.

One of the questions mums ask me is, how much is too much?

Well, I don’t believe there is a straight answer. It depends. It mostly depends on your daughter really. If you are asking, maybe something is telling you something doesn't feel right and in this case, I always say, what's your daughter and your gut saying?

If your little or big munchkin is into extracurricular ( after school activities) you need to see whether she is doing something she wants to do and is actually enjoying having a commitment every week to more stuff on top of her norm.

I suggest to really look at this mum. Is she actually enjoying what she is doing? If you can honestly say with an outstanding yes - then you have the formula that works for you and most importantly your daughter. Congrats!

But, if you think something feels a burden and is causing your daughter more stress than the benefit you were hoping to get ,it’s time to re-think.

Look, we all want the best for our own kids. Me too!

Well intentioned mums will have their daughter attending -

Drama classes - “because she is shy & they told me it would boost her self confidence, bring her out of her shell”.

But MM ( Miss Munchkin) told me she doesn’t like to get up and be centre of attention but mum said she has to finish what she started. Really?

Dancing- “Oh she loves dancing around the house and in front of the TV.”

But , MM told me, she feels fat and doesn't look as pretty as some of the girls. She’s self conscious. MM is only 8.

Netball - “she’s good at shooting goals in the backyard but doesn't run around enough on the court and is always getting told to move forward girl, its good exercise,she needs it.” Really!

But, MM told me she said yes to playing because some of her friends are good at netball and also playing in my team. But they pick on me because I’m no good at it. So what are you good at if not netball? I’m not really good at anything. Really is that what you think?

Maybe its time to look at why.

Why is it difficult to get her there? Why is she not motivated?

Is she doing 'whatever' because everyone else is doing it?

As I said, most mums I meet have their daughters best interest at heart and are trying to help her become a well rounded teen……but at what cost to your daughters wellbeing? Not to mention all the money you are spending on these activities which don’t stop at just registration.

Once you add up the cost of all the uniforms, equipment and the petrol its costing you to get her to an activity she isn’t enjoying and too scared to say so. It might be time to re-think.

Extra curricular activities are great as long as you match the activity with the childs likes and dislikes.

I’ve had three teens myself mum. So trust me, I have been there. We tried swimming squads,netball,soccer indoor and out, dancing, music, art classes, keyboard, flute, Italian, baseball, hockey. I think you know what I'm talking about. I was that mum. I thought by giving them a go they were trying life experiences. But sometimes, they needed more to just be.

It took me a while, but I soon realised that each one of my children was good at lots, but really great at one maybe two. The rest were experiences and the moment I had to start with the resistance I knew it was time to SOBER. Thats Stop/Observe/Breathe/Evaluate/Respond.

(PS Great technique for kids with anxiety) We really did do that. I’m sure I saved a lot of money and heart ache when I realized it was me who wanted the to do these activities. AND you know what? Other kids who may like that activity, are the ones who have worked out your kid doesn’t wan to be there before you have. Especially if they are the type to passively bully or snigger at their peers.

Just so you do understand me. Extra curricular is great and character building. Yes it can help you produce a well rounded child you can all be proud of. The world is full of high achievers. Its also full of young tween and teen girls who are growing up in an age where everything around them

seems to be growing at a rapid pace. They are exposed to far more at an earlier age, often experiencing friendship conflict, self-image issues and body image concerns as young as 6 years old. My suggestion is just ask yourself, is this all of them or for you?

If you are looking for an extra curricular activity for your daughter that will build her self esteem and her confidence and only requires a school term commitment at a time, which means you don't have to do it from the beginning to the end of year. Hop on over to B U Girl. Our term 3 program is filling, but there is still time.

Birthday parties are a hot topic for tweens! Almost all the girls I have worked with in B U Girl have, at some point, had hurt feelings over a birthday party. Both sides have experienced the stress of yet another Birthday. The girl giving the invite and the girl receiving it or not. Birthday parties are stressful… and they’re stressful for parents too!

Why are they so anxiety-provoking? Well, there are a few reasons:

As children enter tweenage, parents are no longer renting a bouncy castle or party room and inviting the whole class. It’s time to spend less and have the real friends?? Parents begin to limit birthday parties to a smaller circle saying things like, “You can invite 8 girls this year!”Sleepovers are often introduced and, let’s face it… there are only a certain number of kids that parents and kids can handle overnight. With friendships often changing weekly, school term and yearly depending on grade, girls in particular are highly aware that the friends they are comfortable having over for a sleepover may not be the same friends they work well with in a class project !All children want to be included and, as they move into pre-adolescence, they become more aware of popularity and fitting in. This results in kids developing FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and they are desperate to be part of the cool group or just a group would be good for some.Girls seem to think there’s an unwritten rule: If someone invites you to their party, you must invite them to your party. Well perhaps! The more parties they’ve been invited to, the more kids they feel obligated to invite. Well perhaps! With years of birthday parties under their belt, that’s a lot of girls and a lot of pressure to invite past friendshipsthey perhaps do not want to.

So, what can tweens and parents do to take some of the stress out of birthday parties? While it’s not fool-proof and being left out is inevitable sometimes, here is what we recommend over at B U Girl to minimise the sleepless nights and hurt feelings:

Invitations must be sent privately! We encourage children to email their invitation to their friend, personally deliver it to their mailbox, or extend their invitation over the phone or in person. School is not a private place and neither is social media, because of these reasons , girls will talk and party word travels like wildfire in the playground and classrooms.If the party is limited to a certain number of people, be truthful about it. Don’t encourage your daughter to lie about it. I remember one girl telling someone not invited that she wasn’t even having a party. It soon came out in the play ground that she did and then jeopardised her own integrity. She felt awful and was upset she had lied to someone who was a friend, just not one she chose to invite. Good one mum! Believe me, if girls want to know something they will always try to find out! Just be honest. I'm only allowed to have so many this year. That's it! No lies, no excuses.Remind your child that keeping the event on the down-low applies to their online world as well. Posting pics of the party on Instagram or Snapping their friends who aren’t there is definitely going to result in someone feeling left-out. In this day and age, digital etiquette needs to be discussed and girls sometimes forget that their social platforms are in the spotlight!

As girls enter into tweenage, it’s really important that parents prepare their girls for this new landscape of birthday parties and help them understand they can no longer expect to be invited to every.single.party. Those days are over!

Share a story with your child about a time you were not invited to something and it was no big deal. ( well maybe a whit lie here) Yeah, nobody likes to be on the outside looking in, but this is not a deal-breaker. This is a normal part of life and doesn’t mean their friendship is over or that person doesn’t like them us as much.

Helping your daughter to not take it personal and be cool with the fact that we all have different friends and that’s healthy.

Lastly mum, I know it hurts when someone else doesn’t want your child included. But don’t put your anxiety or stressful thoughts onto your daughter by asking stupid questions like “so why aren’t you invited?” “Did you do or say something that stopped you from being invited?” etc .

It is, what it is, move on. Why make it any harder than it already is for your daughter? She will feel your angst enough without you re enforcing it.

One thing you might like to do is plan something else for the same weekend or day of party that your tween might enjoy so she isn’t sitting around feeling left out. Maybe another girl didn’t make the VIP list also. Life sucks sometimes and she needs to learn that. It also teaches her she has choices just like everyone else when it comes to her birthday, but don’t make it a revenge fest. I know you want to.

But don’t. It’s not about YOU mum!

The day after our mums May JAM ( just ask mum) session, I crawled into my yoga practice as I hadn’t had such a good night sleep. My mind wouldn’t switch off. The conversations during JAM were so moving for us all.

Some cried, we all laughed and everyone took something away. It was a beautiful afternoon and a very inspiring one.

One of my biggest takeaways, was from a mum who actually was not there to chat about her mothering her 17 year old daughter, but was hoping to get some takeaways that might help her with her son. “My daughter and I have not clashed much at all” she replied to one of the other mums.

This prompted me to ask her ““What was the one thing you did that caused your relationship with your daughter to be so extraordinary?” The mother said, “Hmmm… I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that before and I honestly never gave it much thought. But I guess if I had to put my finger on one thing, it would be acceptance. I totally accepted my daughter for who she is and never tried to make her into something that she was not. I focused only on the inherent good within her and put all my attention on bringing that out in her. I only supported her in becoming her best self – just the way she was.”

We all got goose bumps! WOW! Isn’t that what we all are looking for? To be loved unconditionally and to be accepted for who we are? So many well-intentioned mums, hover over every detail of their child’s life, trying to control and fix things for their kids while pushing them to be “the best” instead of “their best.” Acceptance is unconditional and creates the space to be curious about who our child is, while allowing them to become that in all its glory.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that we condone certain behaviors or that we don’t help shape our children’s moral character, nor does it mean we should be a “would be” and pretend that we are happy in every moment. It’s more about just being in it and experiencing it fully without trying to change it or force a particular outcome. Because only when we surrender to what is, can we be open to receiving divine guidance in how to proceed.

We ended our session together with one of my favorite meditations for mums. Acceptance. Accepting that we are all trying to be the best mum we can be. Accepting that everyday and every child will bring us a new challenge. Accepting that each of our children are different and we need to adjust for each one and just accept them for who they are.

In my continual research into how I can best serve mums and daughters (our children boy or girl), I often come across some amazing excerpts, like this -

Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake … Unless I accept my life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. I think we can all relate to this.

We also spent time in gratitude.Grateful for this short time, we really have with our children. Our children are depending on us to carve out that space for them, a place where they can just be and feel accepted for who they are. A place where they feel heard and where they are safe to explore who they are without anyone trying to force them to be something they’re not. Yes, there are so many other tools and strategies to strengthening our relationships such as communication skills and setting boundaries, but it is almost impossible to implement any of them until this vital first step has been taken.

But we cannot give what we don’t have. If there is some aspect of ourselves that we still cannot accept, then we will be triggered all the more by external situations. Therefore it is necessary to practice self-acceptance and learn how to love ourselves unconditionally too.

So what are you holding onto? What are you unwilling to accept? Sometimes we are just too close to our own shit to be able to gain the much needed perspective to make that shift. In my coaching, I become a mirror to help you see how your own thoughts and resistance are keeping you stuck and then invite you to step into a new vision of what’s possible for your life and your relationship with your teens.

If you’re ready to try a different approach, I’d be happy to offer you a FREE 30 minute Breakthrough Discovery Session(for you, your daughter or both of you) to help you release your grip of how you think things are “supposed to be” and begin to accept things just the way they are so that you can discover a newfound peace to create what you really want....

A mother & daughter bond that will stay with you for ever.

Shine brightly,

Love

CaroleB xox

Look, it is no easy job to raise a teen daughter who feels good about herself and is immune from depression, eating disorders and anxiety. There are no vaccines currently available to inoculate your daughters from issues that sadly, target them way too frequently.

Believe me, my own memories of my teen years and then going on to become a mother of 3, one being a girl, I can attest to a good dose of tears, laughter and pure joy. Nonetheless, I can provide you with a bit of a guide to both empower your teen daughter and help her travel through her teen years and life in a less bumpy fashion.

As 2015 draws to a close have your daughter reflect on her year and write down what was great about it for her and what wasn’t. This will help her make better decisions for next year 2016. Below are a few more tips to keep in mind as mum.

5 ways you can empower your teen girls !

1.Give her some personal powerful mantras

I feel good about myself

I believe in myself.I am competent and capable

I remain kind even when others are not, I don’t want to stoop to their level

I make decisions from my place of power, not pressure from others

I'll always ask my gut first when making choices, if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't. So I'll wait and then decide.

2. You absolutely must teach your daughter about the importance of the right types of friendships.

Having one or two BF’s is way more beneficial than having ten friends who barely know you. While you are teaching your daughter about the importance of having confidantes, you must also teach her about the importance of being a good, reliable and attuned friend herself.

3. Respect your daughter's temperament.

If she is not a particularly outgoing type, then do not make her feel badly about that. If she is sociable type, then respect that and teach her the importance of taking some alone time. Help her find her passions whether they involve group or individual activities. Many girls feel the pressure of having to be “popular”. Fact is most of the people in the popular group are all followers and trying to work it out for themselves. It’s ok to be introverted. Introverts are some of the most successful creative people we know. eg. J.K.Rowling, Bill Gates, Albert Einstein.While extroverts tend to gain their energy in social situations, introverts typically recharge through solitude and feel drained from too much stimulation. Check out your own behaviour & moods, she may be just like you :)

which brings me to

4. Your daughters need to know that they don't need to be liked by everyone.

This is both an impossible and unrealistic task. Besides, have you ever met anyone with an interesting personality who is liked by everyone? Probably not. Your teen daughters should expect to be disliked by some, ignored by others and treated with indifference by yet others. This is an inevitable part of life and they will be able to negotiate social relationships more easily if they know what is realistic. CAUTION : Mums, hate to tell you, but I often find in my coaching, there is a lot of pressure coming from the mums for your daughter to be seen as the popular girl. Often from a mother who struggled with her own high school years and of trying to fit in. You could be doing more harm than good by forcing friendships here.

5. Teach your daughters how to replenish themselves, how to get reinvigorated and how to take good care of themselves.

Too many teen girls and adult women, for that matter, attend to the needs of others and neglect their own. This, as we know, results in both emotional and physical fatigue and makes our girls vulnerable to all sorts of problems. Try very hard to focus on this very important goal. It’s also important in this day and age especially with so much technology available,that our girls do not develop FOMO. (fear of missing out). We need to help our girls understand it’s OK and desirable to not be doing every dance class, be in every after school activity going around and that time to herself in her room just chillin is absolutely OK! Especially when those hormones are taking over and exhaustion and moods move in to share her room :(

LUV CAROLE xo

If you would like your daughter to join our 2016 BU Girl mentor program commencing in Feb 2016 sign up now http://www.bugirl.com.au/#!bu-girl-...

One of the hardest things I found when my 3 teens were growing up, was the insecurity I often felt come over me when listening to other mums at social gatherings. No, we didn't have facebook back then, (yes, I'm a bit of a dinosaur). These days though, one has to switch off because there is too much information and advice coming from unsolicited sources. Overwhelm or what?

Now, I observe some of the damage that is unfortunately being done to kids & yes, mums too, through social media.

Back then, I was the mother who observed and didn't feel comfortable expressing my opinion, out loud that is. Every now and then moments of doubt such as, "am I doing the right thing by not allowing so & so to attend THE POPULAR KIDS" party, because of what I had heard about the company that had made me worry. Then come the next week, I'd find out I wasn't the only mum with concerns and would be chatting to another mum who had felt the same. If only we had the chance to speak about it before hand. But no one ever did. High school was so different to primary. Mums weren't needed as much. Not at school or at home. So the teenager thought. But somehow it was true. You just don't feel connected anymore and that is the time you really need to be.

What would I do to make things work for my family but still keep me in a loop that I needed to be in? I also wanted to know what everyone elses kids were doing or not doing for reassurance, and so did all the other mums, so it seems now.

I'm sure I lost a lot of sleep and advanced my ageing somewhat, along with extra consumption of wine to help me forget about it.

Does this feel familiar? Really, be honest with yourself. Hey if you have it all together and not doubting a bone in your body, go you mum, and this is probably not a blog for you. But if it resonates, read on!

Mums need a safe space, there is no doubt in my mind.

I know I wished sometimes I had the chance to discuss my reasons with other mums, just to see whether someone would or could reassure me my choices were right for my children and that’s really what was most important. Someone to say, you really are doing a great job, or, that’s normal, or, we have that same issue and this is how we got around that.

A space where mums weren’t necessarily from the same school, even better! A space where I could laugh my head off at how silly things are sometimes, but could also cry without judgment and just have someone listen to me because sometimes the HUSBAND just doesn’t get it.

Mums need mums. We aren't born mothers.

Some mothers boast all the time about how great their kids are. So & so did this and that. They come across as a natural and we tend to think, 'SHE' has it all together. Really??

This makes some mothers who teens are just cruising along nicely at their own pace, start doubting everything from, what little miss should be doing for extra curricular activities, to what she should be allowed to do, eat, sleep, say, at her age. When you don’t know, some of you won’t ask, because you fear being seen as a failure, or a bad mum.

These days there is so much out there when it comes to the internet and I know parents who just turn a blind eye, because they don't understand and so are fearful. They put too many restrictions on their childrens use of mobile phones etc, etc. All out of fear. Fear of the unknown.

Sure you have friends, we all have, but I bet you don't always say what you should or would like to. You have your reasons, I know, I did too. I'll tell you at the JAM.

I'm getting real here. You are the best mum for your children. Don't you ever doubt that. But if you would like some reassurance from like minded women who get it, feel it and are happy to share that with you, come join me at the JAM session.

JAM sessions are tailored-made with a combination of teaching, sharing and reflection. Each mum can apply her insights and knowledge, personal situation, adolescent child/ren and life and it's a safe place to think outside the box and shine the light on important themes and issues relevant to you as a mother of a teenager.

Want to know more about JAM sessions follow me here.

Would you like to find out more about B U Girl then go here

If you would like to follow our private BU Girl JAM group just go to our page and request to join. I have just launched a new group to support the B U Girl Community mums and will have lots of tips and stories coming your way along with real discussions with other mums walking the walk of parenting a teenage girl today.

Our mums JAM workshop is on Sat 21st May! 2-5pm .2016

Shine brightly,

Love

CaroleB xox

E. Bugirlcoaching@gmail.com.au

As your daughter transitions into her almost second Term of the year, she may have already experienced some dramatic changes in the social scene.

Suddenly, some of the girls may becoming meaner, more particular about who is hanging out with who and the cliques by now have become quite obvious to your daughter.

As she navigates these changes that occur every year and get more challenging, it doesn't matter how well-adjusted ,or well liked she is, she is bound to feel left out at some point in time.

Perhaps an old friend hasn’t invited her to a party, or perhaps girls are leaving her out at lunch and ignoring her. Whatever it is, it hurts, and it hurts us mums as if it were happening to us. And if you are anything like I was when someone hurt my kids, well lets just say, I had to learn to step back and breathe and count to ten, before wanting to go in for the jugular.

I know, pretty extreme right? But, hurt my kids and you hurt me and it’s just not fair when some kids have more control over your daughters self esteem, than we do as the parent. GRRRRR!

When she does come home upset and devastated, here are a few tips you might like to consider.

LISTEN (That means Shut up and really listen) don’t keep adding your 2 cents worth. If your tween comes home from school complaining about being left out, try not to act too quickly. Whenever our daughters are hurting, we want to rush in and fix it, but we are depriving them of the chance to gain confidence by working through their own problems. It’s possible that your tween is going through a temporary challenge that can become a great learning experience.

Instead, try to

actively listen to what she is saying,ask questions to fully understand what is happening,stay calm,offer support and sympathy,avoid making judgments or putting down the other girls, and empathise with statements like, “That must have hurt your feelings.”

Please note that listening is the right first step when your daughter is feeling left out and or uncertain in her social life. However, if you believe your daughter is being bullied, then parents should contact the school immediately.

2. Keep it in perspective mum.

( she may also be a little hormonal and extra sensitive)

That’s why you need to be really listening before making judgement.

The social scene at school is very important to your daughter, so your daughter will likely feel that this is a huge problem. That’s why it’s very important that parents stay calm. Many parents ( especially us mums) lose their objectivity when their child tells them they feel excluded. Do not overreact in front of your daughter – take a 5-minute time-out to calm down or talk it through with your spouse if you need to. When you are calm, try offering your tween some different perspectives:

Remind her that a lot of other girls have gone through the same thing. If you remember an experience from your school years, share it. ( but don’t go over board and make it all about you) It helps her to realise that she is not alone in her struggles and that other girls have gotten through similar experiences.

Let her know that friendship patterns change very quickly during the tween years. The girl who made unkind comments to her this week may try to be her friend next week.

Give her some perspective by looking at the totality of her social life. Remind her of other mates with whom she may have better relationships. Help her to remember her own self worth and value from other areas of her life. Help her see that one challenge in one area of school does not need to dominate her whole life.

Parents do need to be careful in this step because you don’t want to act like her problem is not important. Be sure you have let your daughter talk out and vent her problem, and be calm and soothing in your response. While it’s important to give her perspective that this might not be the end of the world, you still want to validate her feelings and let her know you care.

3. Walk your daughter through problem solving steps.

Parents can coach their tweens through tough situations. By helping your daughter work through her problem, you are giving her a tool she can use for the rest of her life.

The basic steps of problem solving are:

identify the problem;develop several alternative solutions;predict the pros and cons of each solution;decide on the best approach; andevaluate how the solution is working.

When talking it through with your daughter, ask simple, thoughtful questions like, “What’s another way you might approach this?” Stay open, curious, and interested to help your daughter see different ways to manage the situation. You can offer her some alternative solutions that she didn’t think of, so long as she is coming up with the majority of ideas, and you are not pushing your own idea as the right solution. Remind her that it is a lot easier to start a relationship with one person than trying to fit into a whole group. Additionally, there might be other girls that are shy or are also feeling left out that your daughter could befriend.

Although watching your daughter deal with social rejection is painful, this is also an important lesson for her. You can lecture her or even try to fix the problem for her, but she is not developing any skills she can draw on in the future. By coaching your daughter to find her own way, she will be much better prepared to handle future problems.

Help them establish connections.

One of the best ways to combat a child’s anxiety over social rejection is to ensure they have other friends to turn to. By broadening your daughters circle of friends, she develops confidence and feels comfort on those days she is feeling left out in other areas of her life. For example, bonding with other tweens that might share similar interests — through our B U Girl workshops we can provide your daughter a welcome break from classroom cliques. The girls learn a lot about themselves in a non judgemental environment and the skills we work through each week definitely helps them become more resilient when these events happen at school.

Also, encourage your daughter to invite new friends over to your home, which will help you get to know your daughters friends and know how she interacts with them. The bonus...you'll work out who you think she may be wasting her time with. I always had it worked out before she did, but had to let her discover who her real friends were. Finally, remind her that the most well-liked girls are usually the ones who are friendly to everyone. Encourage your daughter to look for chances to meet, talk with, and hang out with other girls not just the ones she thinks she can.

Final Thoughts…

Social rejection is very painful, both to your daughter and to you who must watch your tween suffer. However, parents should be careful not to add to the drama by overreacting. Parents may have their own painful memories from school, but those are not your daughters reality. Parents should vent their feelings to a friend, but stay calm and confident in front of their daughter. The best thing you can do is develop a solid belief in your own daughter that she is creative, resourceful, and smart enough to navigate these new social scenes, and your trust will help build her confidence.

Want her to discover and experience how BU Girl Empowerment workshops can help her ?

We have released our TERM 2 workshop dates and taking bookings now.

Remember our workshops will only remain small and so if you miss out, you’ll have to wait another Term. Better to help her, before the drama sets in. She’ll know how to handle things more confidently after spending time with us.

www.bugirl.com.au

When teen girls are low in their essential vitamins and minerals it can have a huge effect on their moods. So on top of their already changing hormones, it might pay for you to take a look at what is really being absorbed from her diet. It is especially important to get onto this if you notice she is already being choosy about what she is eating. Also once she starts menstruating, you will need to keep check on those iron levels.

While growing up, your child depends on you for everything. However, as soon your child steps into teens, things change. She is now more independent and will go through a lifestyle change, which includes food habits and let me tell you, she suddenly gets more interested and fussier than what she already may be.

Why Healthy Eating Is Necessary For Teenage Girls?

Most teen girls are conscious about their weight gain and appearance. Your teenage daughter might lessen her calorie intake to maintain her weight and figure. An ideal weight is, however, the result of obtaining just the right amount of vitamins, calories, minerals and nutrients – neither too much nor too less. But it can be difficult for you to explain this to your teenager.

Breakfast Is ‘THE’ Meal:

Your teen girl should never skip her breakfast. But that is easier said than done. I noticed my teens weren’t that hungry first thing and so I had to be careful not to nag & make breakfast just another argument we were going to start the day with.

Look, I know they learn all about nutrition at school, but it rarely sinks in for most, because it can get boring talking about food groups etc. Keep it real!

These days, most of us have experienced juicing or smoothies in one form or another.

I suggest you let them create their own blends and concoctions as they will be more likely to drink it if you didn’t force it. Anything is better than going off with no brain power so don’t stress if it isn’t what you would choose. Anything with a banana thrown in is filling enough.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Getting your teen girl to start her day with the right kind of breakfast will kick start her bodily functions too!Try and include fresh fruits and proteins in her breakfast. These will keep her full for longer and give her the energy to combat the morning rush.Avoid caffeine, Chia latte is more on trend if you must and has more health benefits.Drinks Lots Of Water:

Drinking at least 8-12 glasses of water is a must. Yes we all know that too.

Sparkling is the favourite in our house. Helps with the BURPS ;0

This will keep your teen girl’s body well-hydrated and keep those hunger pangs at bay.Good amount of water will keep her metabolism rate higher, making her body function better.And remind her how important water is for keeping her skin glowing. Sugary drinks will only make those hormonal pimples even worse.

When I start private coaching girls, I use a Holistic (Mind ,Body & Soul) approach as my training is from the Wellness Industry. One of the first things I want to find out about them is their diet and health habits as we need to focus on our daughters as a whole. The Mind and Body connection are so important for a happy healthy teen girl.

Vitamin deficiencies

Did you know that in Australia, the vitamins that kids are most likely to be low on are these two:

Vitamin D: this vitamin comes in small amounts from foods, but the body mainly makes vitamin D from sunlight. Not getting enough vitamin D can lead to bone disease.Vitamin D helps your body absorb calcium to build bones. Teens need about 15 micrograms each day, which you can find in about 4 ounces of salmon. Other foods that are rich in vitamin D include egg yolks, fortified foods and fish oils. You can absorb vitamin D just by going outside and taking in some sunshine.

Vitamin B12: this vitamin is needed for blood and brain growth. Vitamin B12 helps your body produce red blood cells and aids in nerve-cell function. You need about 2.4 micrograms of B12 every day, which you can get in about 3 ounces of sirloin beef. Other sources include fish, eggs, dairy products and fortified cereals.

Of course if you suspect anything mum, rather than worry and start making her food intake something you don't want to harp on as we don't want to focus on what they are eating too much for all the obvious reasons , just visit your health practitioner and get a blood test. Better to be sure and you can then focus on healthy meals asa family and not make it all about her.

Remember discuss food as a health issue not body image. Don't use language such as "if you keep eating or drinking that you will get fat" or "is that your second helping?" Rather say, "you must be hungry, did you have time to eat lunch today?"

It's all in what you say and how you say it, that will have the biggest impact .

One last tip, don't complain about what you don' like about your body shape in and around meal times. This is where it all clicks and they start to restrict their food intake and therefore are missing out on those vital vitamins, not to mention the dreaded body image scenario.

DRAMA,DRAMA,DRAMA!!!!!

A combination of insecurity,jealousy and roller coaster hormones that spin out of control. Girls love drama- instigate fights,spread rumours and turn on their BFF'S.....

All for no reason. Unfortunately now it's made worse with technology making it harder for parents to really know whats going on.....My advice start by dropping the BFF( Best friend forever) label until you know you can trust. What happens when you suddenly don’t like that BFF anymore? I have found this label puts too much pressure on friendships, especially for the one who wants out.

These sort of events can have your daughter totally losing her focus on her school work. it becomes so consuming...

As a parent you just want to Smash the S****. We know this won’t help. Nothing hurts a mum more than other girls being mean to their own daughter. So don’t take matters into your own hands unless your daughter is being bullied. . So what to do?

One thing you can do is help her realise this probably won’t be the last time and that while she can’t control others she has all the control of herself. Help her to change her focus to what is working for her. The other friends she has.( another reason I’m all for having outside of school social circles, either through sports,dance or mentor programs such as BU GIRL )

Friends outside of school helps them understand they are not totally dependant on school for their own identity. There is life out of school.

Perhaps someone else is hurting more than her for another reason. Often there will be something else she can direct her energy towards if she is prepared to look hard enough. Encourage her to put her energy into helping or giving to someone else who needs it. This takes her focus off her seeing herself as the victim and helps build her self esteem.

This is one way new friendships are nurtured.

www.bugirl.com.au

A few weeks into our B U Girlgroup, a wonderful thing happened. The girls started sharing their feelings with one another. They started talking about the things that bugged them and the things that made them happy. One girl taught another girl how to braid her hair.

Two girls who thought they had nothing in common became very close friends. When the girls stopped judging and started listening and empathising, they felt empowered. And the mean girl stuff that once threatened their emotional and academic well being became a thing of the past. Imagine that?